The belief in belief
17 Apr 2024
Belief is like the ocean.
Search for the beginning and you’ll swim forever.
But treat it as solid and you’ll drown.
So much violence is built on a foundation of belief.
A grudge cannot survive the collapse of belief.
A lie cannot survive the collapse of belief.
A conspiracy cannot survive the collapse of belief.
Self hatred cannot survive the collapse of belief.
Self aggrandisement cannot survive the collapse of belief.
Judgement cannot survive the collapse of belief.
A transactional friendship cannot survive the collapse of belief.
A dysfunctional relationship cannot survive the collapse of belief.
So why did I believe so strongly in belief?
Because identity could not survive the collapse of belief.
Because the hard shell I built to defend myself could not survive the collapse of belief.
Because everything I’ve ever achieved could not survive the collapse of belief.
Because everything I’ve ever held on to could not survive the collapse of belief.
Because the victim could not survive the collapse of belief.
Because everything I thought I was could not survive.
Everything I thought I could be.
Everything I was proud of.
Everything I was ashamed of.
Every fake smile.
Every conversation filler.
Every memory I’d accumulated, as if it were something I owned.
Every guru I thought could save me.
Every relationship I thought would be the one.
Every psychological hack I thought would fix me.
Every idea of transcending the body.
Every idea of having a problem.
And every idea of having no problem.
Without belief, there’s nothing left to hold on to.
Nothing left to stabilise a self.
Nothing left to point to and say “this is me”.
Nothing left but the chaos and beauty.
The pain and the joy.
The love and the heartbreak.
The comfort and discomfort.
Nothing left but the freedom to be here.
Freedom to be exactly as you are.
Just not a freedom that can be believed.
